I’ve been so weepy the past week and especially today. As Wayne and I were chatting after dinner and scrolling through our respective social media outlets, he mentions that it was a full moon tonight. That explains so much…it might explain the flood gates over every little thing today. My eyes would start leaking and I couldn’t even come up with some semi-reasonable explanation. I told him I thought maybe I had been holding them back and they were just overflowing from not letting them out. There’s always the possibility that it’s related to my hormones that don’t know if I’m going through puberty or menopause. Regardless, lots of tears have been flowing this week and I guess I’ll just ride the storm out until they decide to subside. Or I’ll just keep crying and deal with it. It definitely pushed me over the edge to sit down and finally do some writing.
I have wanted to sit down and write so many times. It’s been months and there has been no lack of material for sure. Last time I published a blog post, we were heading through the holiday season and I had just gotten my first tattoo. Since then, the tattoo has grown into a cherry blossom tree; Wayne moved to Nevada with me; we sold a house and are in the process of buying another one; I got a new boss and lost the new boss; I got a nice bonus and a respectable raise; and I’ve been trying put at least a few miles under my feet every week. Wayne and I made it through the two year anniversary of losing Brice without a major breakdown. And maybe that’s why I’ve been crying so much. I’ve been dreaming about him a lot lately – not bad dreams, just dreams and he’s there – almost like just in the background. I woke up the other night and realized he had been in my dream. I tried so desperately to go back to sleep so I could go back and see him. He just keeps showing up and it’s strangely comforting. I like to think that some how he is showing up on purpose – to let his momma know he’s okay and that he loves her. I don’t know if it works that way or not.
But here’s what I do know:
I know that I would not have wanted to go through the past 2 years without Wayne. We celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary on March 18. We spent the weekend together in Twin Falls, ID. Our anniversary celebrations over the past several years have been wonderful. We have always tried to make them special, but they just keep getting better and better each year. This year, we went to a natural hot springs, walked across a cool bridge, saw an amazing water fall, ate a nice dinner and I cried at the 28 red roses that he had delivered and waiting in the hotel room when we arrived. But mostly, we just enjoyed each other’s company. You can make up whatever details you want, but just know that the reality is probably much better than you can imagine. We spent time time telling each other how much we valued each other and our marriage and our friendship. Sometimes we don’t like each other but we are more important to each other than anything else in the world. We have been through hard times and unimaginable hard times and we have just held on to each other tighter and made our relationship more important.
I tell you that to tell you this – several people we know have ended their relationships lately. Marriages from 6 months to 7, 10, 20 years have ended in our circle of acquaintances and friends. A newlywed friend left her husband for a new girlfriend. A family member split up over irreconcilable step-parenting issues. A social media ‘friend’ left her husband to pursue her own interests at the expense of the marriage and the custody of her two boys. I get it. Marriage is complicated and difficult and I understand that sometimes it is better for the relationship to end than to continue on in a state of hate and discontent, or just stalemate. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect for 28 years. It almost ended in divorce in the spring of 1993. The Yellow Pages were open to Attorneys and the few possessions we had were being split up on a yellow legal pad. It seemed perfectly logical – but we couldn’t do it. When push came to shove, we couldn’t see our lives without each other. We made a vow to stay together through better and worse, in sickness and health, for richer or for poorer, till death we part – and I thought he might have killed me to stay true to that vow. But instead, we chose forgiveness and commitment and we started over at square one and haven’t looked back since then.
I can’t imagine having to start over again at my age – to have to go on a date with someone new at the the age of 47. I’m sure there is some element of excitement and unknown with dating someone new, but the thought of being naked with a stranger is terrifying. But I like – scratch that – I LOVE being with my good old comfortable husband of 28 years. There is such comfort and joy in loving each other – warts and all. Okay, really neither one of us has any warts, but we have zits, stretch marks, skin tags, cellulite, moles, crooked teeth and gray hair. He loves me 24 hours a day- there is no expectation of how I should look or act. He loves me for me. We walk around each other naked knowing we aren’t GQ or Glamour models and don’t expect the other to be that. We burp, fart, snore, poop, cry, snort, sneeze, curse and make mistakes around each other on a daily basis. I trust him completely and feel safer next to him than anywhere else in the world. It breaks my heart a little bit when couples break up, and I genuinely hope all of them are happy with their decision.
With all of the changes over the past 6 months, I’ve sacrificed some of my personal preferences, knowing that a time will come that I can clean up my diet, hit the trails and get back to racing. But one thing I’m not willing to sacrifice is my marriage. Life is short and if you can spend that time with someone that loves you unconditionally, you better hang on to them. They may not be perfect, but guess what? Neither are you. The reality is, every human being on this planet is imperfect and really, the grass is only greener over the septic tank. (Thank you, Erma Bombeck).
Well, that’s not at all where I expect this blog post to go. But must be what needed to be said.
3 thoughts on “That Explains So Much…”
Beautiful, my friend. Hoping you see the strength and resilience, beauty and insight in yourself we all see in you (even though we have only known each other a short time).
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We just had one of the most difficult anniversaries of our 27 years and came to the same conclusion: can’t throw it away, so we agree to start over and write a new chapter. Thank you for sharing your journey. Love you!
Love you my dear friend! It’s time for a date.
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